Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Up until two weeks ago, my husband “Jeff” (39) was a model family man and father to “Jenny” (8) and “Kyle” (6). About the only problem in our marriage was his insomnia, and while it was difficult to deal with him getting up 5-6 times a night, every night, it was hardly his fault.
Still, after over a decade of trying to treat the insomnia with nothing working except for drugs that had side effects worse than the insomnia itself, we eventually decided on adding a bedroom annex to the home office, and Jeff sleeping there instead of with me. Ever since then, he’s been half-assing as a father. He spends most of his time in that office and auxiliary bedroom sulking. And he only periodically comes out to do his end of the housework. I almost don’t want him parenting our children, because when he does, he barely says anything and never smiles or laughs, which is very unlike his former personality.
The kids have picked up on it too. Jenny has asked me, in private, when I and Jeff are getting divorced. She did not seem to believe me when I told her we weren’t splitting up. I’m at my wit’s end here, and I can’t be a single mom in a two-parent household. How do I get him to be the man he was just a month ago?
— Snapping Him Out Of It
Dear Snapping Him Out Of It,
So if I understand the situation correctly: Your husband Jeff is withdrawn and not himself, to the extent that even the kids are noticing. He’s isolating himself from his loved ones. And he’s had a sudden and extreme personality shift, and you no longer even feel comfortable having him parent your children. Girl, your man’s not shirking his responsibilities, he’s in trouble!!
Seriously, these sound like the hallmarks of someone who is struggling, and I’d be very concerned if I were you. Did something happen two weeks ago, besides the bedroom change? I think you need to sit Jeff down and have a real conversation with him. “So you went into this new bedroom and now you’re withdrawn and distant and our daughter is worried we’re getting a divorce. What’s going on?” Hopefully from there you can get him what he needs to get back to the man he was a month ago.
I understand that you want your old husband back who was pleasant and helpful and was only struggling with insomnia, but to me, this guy sounds like he needs some real help. Please help get him to a professional ASAP.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 4-½-year old son is very worried about death lately. Earlier this year we had to put our beloved 15-year-old cat to sleep after a short (but intense) illness, and I don’t think any of us were prepared for it. Throughout the summer he would occasionally say out of the blue, “I wish our cat didn’t die” and we would have some short conversations about death. (It’s forever, no he won’t come back, it’s okay to be sad, we’ll always have our happy memories, do you want to talk about them?)
In the last few weeks, his comments have suddenly turned a corner: he says, “I don’t want you to die” and worries that he won’t see me ever again. And sometimes even that he doesn’t want to die! Every time I assure him it’s something that won’t happen for a long time, that I take good care of myself and of him so we’ll stay healthy and safe, and that he’ll always be loved and cared for. I’m feeling like a broken record—am I doing it right? Or is there something else to say? We’re not religious so we aren’t bringing talk of heaven into it.
— At A Loss
Dear At A Loss,
I remember this phase very clearly and it happened for my son at the exact same age. All of a sudden, he needed to know: Who is going to die; what makes people die; was I going to die; was he? Right before starting kindergarten, he told me he was scared “because you get higher and higher and then in a long time you die.” Thanks for that reminder, bud!
This is a developmentally appropriate time for your son to be beginning to understand the concept of death. Children at this age often ask the same question repeatedly because they struggle with the finality and irreversibility of death. You’re doing the right thing by keeping your explanations simple and clear, and by not using euphemisms, as they can be confusing or inadvertently frightening. It’s great, too, to remind him of the steps you take to stay alive as long as possible. Grief can be tricky. If you feel his questions over time are still tied to the loss of his pet, remind him that it’s totally fine to be sad and to cry for as long as he needs. You’re doing your job as a parent by teaching your son how to navigate the hard feelings that are an inevitable part of life.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How do families with two working parents have children in school? We have two young kids with the older one set to start kindergarten in 2023. Currently, they’re both at an amazing daycare that we love; they’re stimulated, learning, and cared for, so we are able to simply focus on work during the week.
With kindergarten looming, I’ve been checking the public school schedule, and they have 11 weeks off during the summer, five separate weeks off during the school year, nine holidays separate from those, and EVERY Wednesday is a half day. How do people manage such inconsistent childcare needs? The schools offer no solutions and seem to be on the archaic assumption that there is a stay-at-home parent in every household.
We’ve looked at the local private school, and they have much less time off and options for childcare when the school is closed, but I have two main hesitations with going private. One is that we currently pay more in daycare than we do for our mortgage, and we’ve been looking forward to that being in the past, and the other is that we live in a very diverse area, and I don’t want to be a part of the exodus from public education.
Is there a solution I’m overlooking? Do we just have to go with private school because we both work?
— (Hopefully) Schooled In Seattle
Dear (Hopefully) Schooled In Seattle,
SISTER OR BROTHER, YOU SAID IT. As a single mom, it is an endless source of frustration to me that school schedules seem to operate on the assumption that there is a stay-at-home parent readily available to pick children up mid-afternoon from school and provide childcare during the many yearly school holidays. Those of us who rely on afterschool programs or other childcare in the gap between school and the workday ending, also often end up scrambling to fit an hour of homework into the already tight dinner-bath-bedtime evening routine. (It’s enough to make a Kinsey scale 2 like me yearn for a 1950s housewife.)
This is a systemic issue. But in lieu of federal and state policy changes that better align work and school schedules, parents (and in my experience it’s often the moms who are managing these solutions) have to cobble together some kind of workable childcare at great financial expense. It sounds like you’ve already investigated the offerings in your district, but if you haven’t looked into it fully, many public schools partner with private organizations that offer aftercare in addition to daylong “kids’ day off” programs on professional days and holidays, which can be a big help. I have learned to rely on my local mom network for hot tips on good deals, nanny shares, or even to trade off watching our combined children on school holidays. But researching, implementing, and managing these solutions is a huge time suck and extremely stressful.
If you have the means, a less expensive solution than private school would be to hire a babysitter to cover the time off. (It would also allow you to support your public school.) Because being able “to simply focus on work during the week” is truly a wonderful privilege that you might find is worth paying for.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I grew up in a culture where children basically have no input regarding who gets to hug, squeeze, or kiss them and who are regularly told, “Go give Random Old Man a kiss, he is grandma’s fourth cousin.” I am less than fond of the approach so have no problem telling people to go away and not touch my baby. My question is more about when and how we as the parents should also start applying that to ourselves.
As in, right now we shower her in kisses and cuddle with her endlessly (unless she starts fussing, at which point we will put her down or adjust the way we are making physical contact with her). But at some point, we should start asking for her permission or perhaps telling her that even mom and dad don’t get to kiss her if she doesn’t want them to.
I am not even going into the little heartbreak the thought of her not wanting a hug from me will inevitably cause, because I know it’s more important to teach her the confidence to turn down a hug. On the purely practical side of things, when is a baby old enough to understand this?
— Can I Have a Hug Please?
Dear Can I Have a Hug Please?,
I’m so happy to welcome my alter ego, Crazy Consent Mom, back to the table after her brief appearance last week. As a sexual assault survivor, consent education is one of my top parenting values, and in my opinion, you can start anytime by simply talking to babies and toddlers about what actions you are taking with them, as you pick them up or change their diaper.
By the time my son was verbal, he knew that 1) his body belongs to him; 2) he gets to choose who touches his body; and 3) If someone else tells us to stop touching their bodies, we do it immediately. These conversations should be regular and ongoing. We can model consent by asking questions like, “Do you want me to stop tickling you?”, “Do you want a hug right now?”, and “Can I sit close to you?” I try to ask my son if I can take a photograph of him, and respect his wishes if he says no, no matter how freaking adorable he looks. But the most important piece of all of this is that parents then have to respect their children’s stated boundaries.
There are children’s books like “My Body! What I Say Goes!” and others that are intended to teach children about consent, and one of my all-time favorite children’s television moments is this song from “Doc McStuffins” that illustrates why you should always stop tickling someone when they say no, even if they seem to be enjoying it. Nuance!
And it’s true that it’s not always easy! Our kids are cute af, and we love them! It’s tempting to insist on physical intimacy just because you want to squeeze them and kiss their precious little faces. Reader, I haven’t had a kiss from my son since at least 2019. And I want one. But what I want more is to raise a child who is well-versed in body autonomy, never violates the consent of others, and knows how to say “no” when it comes to his own body.
—Emily